Seeking Imaginary Boyfriend
Me: Looking for you. Why else would I be writing this? Duh.
You: Hot, obvi. Like Timothée Chalamet with the virility of Cookie Monster.
Must like Burning Man in theory, not application. (I’m allergic to dust.)
Provide a vast majority of fragrance options in your guest bathroom. Must make enough money to have a guest bathroom but not so much that you own a boat. Okay if you have a dedicated pair of boat shoes to wear ironically on land though.
Have strong political opinions but said opinions actually are about the outdoor water sport Instagram account you run called “Row vs Wade.”
Own a HEPA-grade cordless vacuum and will vacuum a dust-free path for me to follow. (Wasn’t joking about the dust thing.) Who needs rose petals to show your love when there’s Dyson?
You’re down to be my human Xanax and pet me when I hyperventilate over my crippling fear of air while serenading me with the Teletubbies* theme song until I’m calm. *Non-negotiable: I’m Laa Laa. You’re Tinky-Winky.
Dress up as said Teletubby at my whim and pretend to be my pet. Cool if you wear aforementioned boat shoes here.
Bonus if your go-to karaoke song is “Life is a Highway”. Extra credit if you don’t actually like highways, it’s the metaphor that grabs you. If so, buckle up and reply to this ad if you want to wink wink* ride all night long — *in custom-fitted HEPA masks of course because there’s so much dust out there. Even our skin sheds dust. That’s why you. Must. Be. Imaginary.
Come join me in my bubble.
(It’s literally a bubble.)
Real men need not apply.
